Thursday, March 06, 2003

In his painfully funny 1997 film, The Big One, the indefatigable Michael Moore suggests that we here in the good 'ol (boy) U.S.A. (or Big One of the title) change our national anthem from Francis Scott Key's mostly unsingable Star Spangled Banner to Queen's bombastic rocker, We Will Rock You.

I think this is an excellent idea in general. One problem I have, speaking as an American whose paternal forebears have been in this country since the mid to late 1690's (before it was a country, in fact), is that We Will Rock You, while a most excellent and rocking tune, is performed by a British band. No, the National Anthem must be written by an American.

With this assertion boldy and patriotically stated - that the National Anthem of our GREAT country must be penned by an American hand - I submit the following as a possible candidate for the National Anthem position. A pretty good beat, easy to sing with fairly simple words, and so true to the heart of our GREAT nation's foreign policy, Randy Newman's Political Science:

No one likes us-I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

We give them money-but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

Boom goes London and boom Paree
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me

They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now

It's easy to see this is the right choice for a national anthem. Certainly closer to the modern American sensibility and much more action than that dreary old hymn. Just imagine Britney singing it! A sexy fake thrust of the hips with each "boom", a gyrating navel, shiny blonde hair fanning the air. . .

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