My post of 12/18/03 regarding my intermittent struggles with anxiety and depression, and the post-hypnotic suggestions (planted by an unknown agency) responsible for those black states of mind - or, as I referred to it, the poison program in my mind- was best summed up by the emoticon Ray left as a comment:

; )

I was, indeed, winking as I typed that post. None the less, there is more truth than not in those words. The depression and anxiety, for instance, are all too true. And the poison program that is responsible for them? Also true, though I will leave it to anybody who cares to try to decide whether or not I was serious about the post-hypnotic suggestions.

I have struggled with depression (off and on) for most of my life now (since it first manifested, I think, as more-or-less typical teenage angst and alienation) and I have long felt - even before I was capable of articulating it as such - that my dark turns were the result of negative patterns of thought - or a negative program (of course, it is also possible that the depression is at least partially related to the mild Tourette's which haunts my brain). Observe, if you will, a piece of juvenilia, written by myself at approximately 15-16 years of age (these are the opening lines of a slightly longer piece):

I'm grinding down like some fatal machine,
finely tuned to self destruct. . .

Evidence of that urge to self destruction can be found on my forearms, where the scars of razor blades applied during teenage episodes of self-mutilation remain. The extent to which that urge has been indulged is not a subject I am willing to address in this blog at this time (suffice to say, I'm still here!). Nor are the real reasons for the urge and the depression that spawned it, only recently - as in two days ago! - revealed to me after a lengthy process of introspection and, primarily, discussion with Sarah - my lover, my wife, my best friend, soulmate and therapist.

Thanks to Sarah, I now have a name for the beast that has tormented me all these years. I now have the code to the program that has been oppressing my mind. But, as I say, I am not prepared to reveal that name here and now, due mainly to the sensitive nature of this topic and the public nature of this blog. I have considered beginning an anonymous blog for the dissection of my depression, but that is not likely to happen as the maintenance of this blog - in addition to my writing and life in general - are more than enough to keep me busy.

In summation, this post is basically an announcement, vague as it is, that I have made a breakthrough in understanding the cause of my depression, and a big THANK YOU to my beloved Sarah for helping me to make that breakthrough.